Eric Stevens

Fitness Speaker, Author & Personality

Eric Stevens is a health and fitness coach, trainer and practitioner. Eric has broadened that body focused fitness with writing, presenting and acting in order to reach people, change lives, and create dialogue.

Filtering by Tag: Healing

The Cure for Contempt

I had a panic attack once. It was Halloween night about 10 years ago and as was customary back then, I went to my best friend’s house to join him in taking his kids out trick or treating. At the time, I was starting out in my first marriage and I knew my friend and his wife weren’t supportive of the union. Still, they graciously invited us over to participate in the Halloween festivities.

The trick or treating went fine and the conversations were civil, but there was a strained and forced awkwardness to the evening. I felt a bit off physically and by the time I ended up back home, I turned around and headed straight to the hospital.

My chest had started burning and tightening. I felt light-headed and my breathing was labored and shallow. I felt like a stranger in my own body. At the emergency room, they ran several tests and after monitoring me for a few hours they found nothing concerning. In the middle of the night they sent me home.

The doctors told me that I likely I had a panic attack and/or a severe case of heartburn. Thankfully my physical heart wasn’t damaged, but although I didn’t know it yet, my heart was broken nonetheless.

Over the course of the ensuing months as the tightness persisted, I learned to calm my breathing and remind myself that nothing was physically wrong with me. But all of the yoga, meditation, and breathing exercises still couldn’t solve the dilemma. They say that the body keeps the score and my body knew that something in my “heart” was wrong before I did. That burning in the chest continued until I finally admitted the truth and got to work.

I’ll spare you the details, but in a word my first marriage was utterly contemptuous. After day in and day out of judgment and finger pointing, at some point you cross a line of spite that’s hard to come back from. You almost forget what side you’re on or how it even started; you just know that the ‘other’ person is the enemy.

In my case, I was swimming in a sea of hatred and I was drowning. I went into survival mode knowing that getting safely to shore meant getting rid of the poisonous venom in my heart and removing myself from the relationship.

Contempt is simply not a survivable situation. This is not a theory, but a scientifically validated opinion. John Gottman has been one of the foremost marriage psychologists for decades. He’s published dozens of peer reviewed research papers and written several books on the topic. Gottman’s studies can predict with over 90% accuracy whether couples will stay married or end up in divorce. Much of his work can be paraphrased with the statement: “Contempt kills relationships.”

As I found out the hard way, contempt can end your marriage. I also learned that contempt can literally make you sick. Studies show that those in a contemptuous relationship are more likely to have weakened immune systems and suffer from infectious illnesses. Is it possible that the pandemic we’re suffering through is so widespread partially because of such hatred? It’s worth considering.

Contempt is beyond disgust or distaste. Contempt is a cancer that poisons everything in its path. Contempt doesn’t care if you’ve been victimized, oppressed, or judged. Contempt doesn’t care if you’re “right.” Contempt afflicts the accuser and accused alike. Contempt is hatred, pure and simple. As Dr. Gottman points out, “unions” do not survive hatred - Not marriages, families, organizations, or countries.

When I recognized that contempt in my own heart, I knew it was time for a drastic change. My first instinct was to leave. For those that have ever been in an abusive relationship or a hateful marriage, sometimes you have to put on your own oxygen mask first and make it to safety. So I left my marriage, my job, my hometown, and I started fresh. But leaving was just the beginning.

I still had to get the venom out of my heart and removing the toxins required eradicating the disdain from my consciousness. I stopped drinking for a year, meditated and exercised daily, and started working on spiritual direction. It took a little time, but the poison finally dissipated and left my body and mind.

I hadn’t thought about that burning sensation in my chest for some time until I noticed it rearing its ugly head again recently. I immediately recognized the feeling - tightness, agitation, and a searing heat across my chest. I knew better than to ask my doctor or evaluate my diet. Thankfully, I’m now in a healthy and harmonious marriage, so it wasn’t that. After pondering the feeling, I realized that this time what’s making me literally feel sick is the hatred in my own country.

The primal part of me just wants to flee like I did back when I was surrounded by a wall of contempt in my first marriage. Sometimes I daydream of a sunny beach in Mexico as my next home, but changing locations won’t change the fact that I am an American and love my country. I’ll still have that tightness in my chest even on a beach in Mexico unless I do the work of removing the toxins from my thinking.

Ultimately there’s only one cure for contempt. It sounds a bit trite and pollyannaish to simply say “love, empathy, or understanding.” Truthfully, it’s a pretty tall order to love in the face of hate, seek peace in the face of injustice, or find forgiveness in the face of inequality. But make no mistake, loving, forgiving and letting go is the work. And the moment we say “but what about?” (the economy, the Supreme Court, or whatever your hot-button issue is) we stop doing the work.

There are no issues or exceptions that justify doubling down on contempt, because once you are infected with contempt, you cannot possibly see clearly. Besides, the ignorant and hateful are way better at it than you are. It’s what MLK, Gandhi, and Mandela all understood to be absolute - hate simply cannot stand in the face of love and forgiveness. We must let the ignorance and hate be theirs.

Only love offers the cure for contempt.

Garbage In, Garbage Out

“My experience is what I agree to attend to.” - William James

If I had a nickel for every time I heard my Mother say the phrase “garbage in, garbage out” when I was growing up, I’d probably be retired by now. Usually this phrase was reserved as a retort for when my brother and I used profanity or when we wanted to watch a movie or TV program that Mom didn’t approve of.

I remember once when I was huddled around the living room TV with my friends watching a movie. If memory serves me correctly, it was the 80’s cult-classic Sixteen Candles. Maybe it was Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Either way, at a certain risqué scene, Mom went over to the VCR, hit the stop button and with a stern look said, “Not in my house - Garbage in, garbage out!” My friends didn’t bat an eye; we simply headed outside to play basketball.

In my house, neatness was expected. Just like we knew enough not to mess with my Dad when it came to literal garbage in terms of picking up after ourselves, we also knew never to mess with my Mom when it came to ‘garbage’ in terms of morality. (Garbage did not pertain to junk food and sweets, although sugar cereal was outlawed and alcohol was definitely verboten in our home).

For some garbage back then was rap music or movies and video games that glorified sex and violence. Tipper Gore even led a movement condemning explicit music. Whether or not such content was or is actually harmful is up for debate, but it’s easy to see why rap and violent video games may have seemed threatening to suburban Moms. Importantly awareness was brought to the issue for people to make up their own minds about taking out what they deemed as ‘trash.’

Still, the 80’s was a different and more simplistic time. Back then people watched TV, listened to cassette tapes and radio, and they may have had a VCR, but that was about it. With the prevalence of the Internet, the average American now consumes an estimated 11 hours of media every day! With this environment of constant connectivity, today’s garbage is harder to quantify and more subtle. But the influences of fear, addiction, hatred, and toxicity are everywhere if we look closely.

The world has been transfixed about the growing concerns of the COVID-19 pandemic and rightfully so, at least to a degree. Knowledge is power and staying informed and taking precautions is prudent, thoughtful and saves lives. But misinformation, hysteria, gossip, and profiting on the fears of others is repulsive and repugnant.

Many feel helpless as to what they can do to control their lives in a time of social distancing and self-quarantine. We can start by taking out the garbage. That is, controlling what content we take in, substances we consume, and even what thoughts we think. As a recent article that I read stated, “To Control Your Life, Control What You Pay Attention To.”

This is a tipping point in our society and one of the lessons learned from this pandemic is to be on guard with our thinking. We need to pay much greater attention where it comes to the environment, our collective health, and the well-being of others around us. We need to pay more attention to the food we eat, the media we consume, and the relationships we keep. We need to pay much less attention to fear, overconsumption, and judgment towards others. We also need to pay less attention to those looking to control our thoughts and influence our behavior.

For instance, how alert are you to the marketing messages you are ingesting? Digital marketing experts estimate that most Americans are exposed to around 4,000 to 10,000 ads each day. Some of these ads are informative, some are entertaining, but some are merely promoting fear, consumption, and even addiction for the sake of profit. The same goes for other content whether it’s news or merely entertainment.

Instead of taking in garbage we must stand firm for truth and justice and know that harmony and positivity can also bring abundance. Especially now, we must scrutinize what others are saying whether it’s a person, group, or a corporation. If every thought and action is based in either fear or love, we must spend our time now more than ever separating the trash from the recycling, the good from the bad, and the fear from the love.

Whatever your religious, moral, or political beliefs are we can probably all agree that we need to be taking out the trash with more regularity. Taking out the trash starts with clarity of thought and clarity of thought starts with stillness and solitude. Maybe it’s time to cut down to just 10 hours of media a day and use that other hour to pray, meditate, or just take a quiet walk. As Anne Lamott says, “almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.”

Before this crisis occurred, we had glaring systemic and societal issues to address – a declining life expectancy, opioid and substance addiction, suicide, and obesity. We have a homelessness epidemic and a significant portion of our populace that is one bad break from being on the street. We have a stagnant and gridlocked (if not broken) political system. Far too many are self-obsessed, narcissistic, and even hateful where it comes to those that think differently. Far too many are feeling left behind, left out, and forgotten. Even the planet is neglected. 

None of this is a coincidence. As Mom used to say, if our thinking is full of garbage, so will the byproducts of our thoughts. My sincere hope is that this pandemic represents a moment that will allow for empathy and love to conquer our collective thinking. Maybe this is the moment where we see that the person you despise or the individual who opposes your viewpoint is just like you are – someone with a capacity to both hurt and heal.

We must cast out fear, compulsivity, and hatred by recognizing these malicious suggestions whether they come from our own thinking or the suggestions of others. As the saying goes, “Ships don’t sink because of the water around them. They sink because of the water that gets in them.” If there was ever a time to take out the garbage and put our thoughts on lockdown, that time is now.

Health is y(our) most valuable possession

In my early twenties, I worked out frequently at a prestigious health club in Portland, Oregon. Working at the club was a man who had been an exercise instructor there for 60 years! In his eighties at that time, Joe was full of vigor, enthusiasm, and a zest for fitness. Like his friend and contemporary Jack Lalanne, Joe was considered a health and exercise guru and somewhat of a pioneer in the fitness movement.

Still fit, lean, and energetic, Joe would always make it a point to check in on me during my workout and provide a health tip or two. He lived by what he called the four D's: desire, determination, dedication and discipline. But of all the interactions and memories I had with Joe, the thing that has stuck with me is a sign that hung in his office. It read simply, “health is your most valuable possession.”

It’s hard to argue the point. Yet in many ways, it seems our collective focus is on anything but health – For weeks on end we debate football players kneeling during the national anthem. We spend months expressing shock and anger over the sexual inappropriateness of Harvey Weinstein, Roy Moore, and Kevin Spacey. We focus on whether we should allow certain people in certain bathrooms or whether the ‘news’ is ‘fake’ or not. When we do actually have legitimate societal and environmental health news stories such as hurricanes and mass shootings, they capture our attention only for a brief moment in time. We come together in unified thought for a day or two until the more important ‘news’ of celebrity gossip, dysfunctional politics, and reality competition shows come back to the front burner.

Instead of focusing on our own health, the health of our environment, and the wellness of our populace, we focus instead on the health of our money, our economy, and mostly our own egos. We are driven by distraction. Honestly, with things as screwed up and backwards as they appear to be, our insatiable appetite for escapism is understandable.

Sure enough, distraction seems to be a top priority for all of us these days. That is, until life hits you across the face and the compromised health of your body, your family, or even your environment becomes bigger than the needs of your ego. If you’ve ever been faced with the prospect of significant loss, you’ll know what I‘m talking about - a health crisis is enough to scare any of us straight.

This past year my wife was faced with some alarming physical symptoms. For months, she went through extensive medical testing, living with the constant fear of the unknown and the severe discomfort of her illness. Fortunately, she received excellent care and her team of physicians were able to determine that her issues were environmental, epigenetic, and ultimately treatable. After changing her environment, hear health issues subsided.

I’m happy to report that she is much better and continuing to improve in gaining back her strength and vitality. Perhaps more importantly, the episode changed both of us immensely and also refocused our priorities. After years of living comfortably and enjoying the fruits of our labor by traveling frequently, socializing, and playing hard on the weekends, we reprioritized our focus to God, each other, and actualizing the authentic lifestyle we wanted.

Both my wife and I have dedicated our professional lives to health and wellness. We exercise, eat right, and Patience has even convinced me in recent years that I should floss my teeth regularly! But it still took the proverbial wake up call for us to realize that Joe was right - health is indeed your most valuable possession.

The perspective gained when health is jeopardized is the great equalizer that brings your priorities immediately front and center. You can have all the money in the world, but frequently money can’t solve the problem of health. As a case in point, look no further than the wellness of our country - as a nation, we do have all the money in the world, and frankly, we do a piss poor job where it comes to the care and well-being of our populace. Consider the following:

·      Health related issues and subsequent medical debt is the number one cause of personal bankruptcy in our country.

·      For many of our citizens, the rights to healthcare access and quality of care is appalling.

·      By almost any measure, the collective mental health of our populace is getting worse and increasingly dependent on drugs.

·      According to the governments of every nation on earth (except ours) the health of our ecology and environment is failing miserably at least in part by factors related to human consumption.

·      The health of our relationships, communities, and civic organizations are in peril. Loneliness and depression are at epidemic proportions, churches and community organizations are at low points in their membership bases, and philosophically and politically, we are in a sheer state of gridlock.

By any standard, societal wellness is in a state of crisis. In the face of such a fact, every effort and focus must be put on communal health. It is only in looking beyond ourselves that we will find true health and wholeness and the manifestation of our true most valuable possession. The origin of the word health comes from the Old English word haelen which means “to heal.” Indeed, we are in desperate need of healing. To be made whole, well, and sound we must realize that human kind and our planet shares the same innate qualities – we are all one.

Whatever you are doing, watching, reading or working on – if it’s not in some way related to health (yours, someone else’s, of our society, or of our planet) put it with your other possessions where it belongs – on the back burner.

As mentioned, my fitness mentor Joe used to talk about the four D’s relating to health. While I am no Joe, I would like to suggest that there are also four F’s where it comes to fixing our ailing society. Faith, forgiveness, fortitude, and fairness.

We must find a way to look after the needs of others in addition to our own. We must stop pointing fingers,find the resilience to fix a broken and lopsided system, and start finding creative solutions. More than anything, in a crisis of health, the glue that brings us all together is faith - faith in humanity, faith in goodness, and faith in God.

 

Learning to Fail

One of the more poignant moments I can remember in recent years is getting the crap beat out of me shortly after one of my biggest life failures. Just weeks after signing my divorce papers in 2012, I had to endure a few rounds of hard sparring at a martial arts testing and I got pummeled. Already bloodied and bruised, in the third round I was kicked so hard in the ribs that I doubled over and took a knee. In order to pass my test, I had to make it through all three rounds - I was literally saved by the bell.

In a twisted way, it was actually sort of cathartic to have my body feel the way my heart did – battered and broken. While getting beaten up isn’t something I’d necessarily recommend, I can also tell you that failure is almost a certainty in life and learning to cope with pain is a critical part of progression in anything.

Yet culturally, everything and everyone seems to be telling you the opposite – that success happens by finding your bliss and seeking pleasure. The quick fix is everywhere you look. Get rich quick seminars, crash diets, and fad exercise programs tell you the news your brain loves to hear – that there’s a convenient solution and a comfortable change - it just takes hard work and the right program.

But what if it wasn’t about the program, the right timing, or even how hard you worked? What if advancement was simply about the willingness to face the pain and the certainty of failure.

If I’ve learned anything, I’ve learned that I may or may not reach my goals, dreams, and aspirations, but I will most definitely fail while trying. The silver lining is that failure brings with it the opportunity to find authenticity and wholeness through introspective work and forgiveness. While more life lessons are surely on their way through my next mess up, here’s what I have learned so far:

o   Ego can take you to the depths of hell. In every major failure I’ve had, ego was in the driver’s seat. You are not your body, your job, or even your relationships, but you become the thoughts you give power to. Ego says you are defined by quantities, while your true self is defined by qualities.

You may lose your job, but you haven’t lost the qualities that got you that job. You may lose your relationship, but you haven’t lost the opportunity to love with your whole heart. Next time your ego tells you that you are defined by what you have, remind yourself that in the end, you will be remembered by your qualities.

o   Honesty isn’t your best policy, humility is. Your failure is an opportunity to perfect your virtue which is simply the opposite of your vice. My vice is pride. When others wrong me, I cast them aside and never, ever turn back. Puffing my chest up may be my default, but when I am at my best, humility governs my thoughts and actions. The problem is that when we fail, we often look for something or someone to blame, even if it’s us. In doing so we can lash out to those who have wronged us, and frequently, that lashing out is self-directed. Here’s the thing though – playing the blame game ultimately proves nothing. What matters is the humility to face the wreckage and move on.

o   Quitting is sometimes your best option. Anyone who’s ever been divorced can attest to the utter devastation associated with such a separation. You don’t get married before friends, family, and God to see it fail miserably. Compounding the effects of a trauma like a divorce are the prospects of acute pain, loneliness, and the loss of companionship. But if love, justice, and truth are worth fighting for, abuse and hatred are worth leaving behind. Leaving a relationship, job, or bad habit is sometimes our best option as something built on a false foundation isn’t worth salvaging, it’s worth tearing down and starting over on the right footing. 

o   Victims don’t heal. One thing I have seen over and over again in my in life both personally and professionally is that no one ever makes a lasting change that they don’t genuinely want to make. People make changes when they’ve had enough and their back is against the wall.

It sucks to get downsized. It sucks to get hurt or heartbroken. It sucks to get sick. It sucks when your genetics aren’t perfect. A lot of life’s setbacks aren’t our fault. It wasn’t your fault that your parents were lousy role models or your boss is an asshole. But it is your fault that you hold on to your pain, anger, and self-justification. True freedom can only come about by releasing negativity and allowing wounds to heal though the natural order of time and forgiveness. The statute of limitations is now – you aren’t a victim, you have the power of choice.

o   You must face the pain. Sometimes you’re going to get your ass kicked and it’s going to hurt - maybe even worse than you think. It’s tempting to run the other way. But the great irony of the things that mask our pain (booze, sex, food, etc.) is that these temporary reprieves only prolong and compound the inevitable pain. One of the best ways to cope with pain is to find support. If your body hurts, treat it gently and get a massage. If your heart hurts, join a support group and seek those who can understand your plight. If your mind hurts, force yourself to sit with your thoughts until they pass.

More than anything though, we have to face the hurt and the trauma. Peace is only found on the other side of it. There’s no way around the storms of life – our job is to face the pain and release its grip by swimming with the current.

Learning to fail isn’t something covered in school. There are no participation trophies in the game of life. We’ll have many wins if we’re fortunate and few failures if we’re lucky. But failure is going to happen and regardless of circumstance, the work is clear – peace of mind and character are forged with finding the resolve to face the mess and the courage to clean it up.